Does my wife need to step it up, or am I just too demanding?
Discount Medical Scrubs
Ok Let's set the tone. I am 28 and my wife is 24. I manage a division within a Robotics company and she is a housewife and a stay at home mom. We have a 4 month old little girl. I get up for Work at 6:30 am and get home at 6:30pm most nights....she gets up on average @ 10am and goes to sleep at 1am.
When we first got together, she was in school for pgyschology and I was recently off a divorce (my ex was psycho). Shortly there after we decided to get married. Once the day came, she decided her best bet was to take a break from school and work a small part time job to help pay the bills....which was great as I was working too and we had extra $$....THEN the mortgage thing happened and she lost her job in that field. This was AUGUST of 2007. October 2007, She finds out she is pregnant with our first Child....mind she is STILL not working or going to school. a year and 3 months later, we are in the same boat. We had the baby, but she didnt look for a job, she is not in school and worst of all, does hardly anything around the house!. She also does not WANT to find a job, she wants to stay home to raise the baby. We didnt discuss this, I didnt agree to it, it just happened. Well I want a million dollars, but we cant all have everything we want!!! Now I work my butt off almost 12 hrs a day to support my wife and my daughter..and I am glad to do it......however, unless I piss and moan...nothign gets cleaned, nothing gets cooked, nothing gets accomplished. 9/10, honestly, I am the one cooking, and I am the one cleaning....scrubbing sweeping ect. I have been on her case lately because I think 4 months after a baby she can TRY to do something with her life. I paid for her to get a medical transcriptionist licence.,...she has dragged her feet on that for 7 months now.....I told her to go out and get a part time job and Id watch the baby every night.........didnt happen. Am I wrong for wanting a cooked meal every now and again.....or a clean house? Surprises me she has time for DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES...or Pushing Daiseys and all her favorite shows...but she doesnt have tiime to pick uo the giant terd our dog laid out in the basement...? My basement smells like AMMONIA 90% of the time because she cant stick to a schedule of letting the dogs out... I have increasingly become agitated about her lack of work ethic and the excuses I hear day in and day out. I DO understand being a mom is a big job in itself, and I give her props..she is a GREAT GREAT GREAT mom.....and ultimately, the baby is #1.......but thats not all there is to life........... allowing her to stay home is a privelege...ID LOVE to be able to raise my daughter, but $$ is a necessary commodity.
To add a few details about our situation:
Normal Baby, 90% formula fed
Not colic or any problems.
Sleeps 8-9 hrs a night
Am I wrong for being a little bitter towards my wife and what can I do to get her to pick up the pace.
I told her before, I dont want a slave, but I do want a 50/50 split. Right now I do make all the $. I do do most of the cooking, I do do most of the cleaning...I physically pay all the bills, balance the budget ect.
I also pay for her car and insurance as well as 6 months ago I just bought us a HOUSE!
I think I sacrifice day in and day out. I just expect the same.
Your thoughts?
To put it bluntly, I financially support her 100% food shelter, vehicle, gasoline, insurance....EVERYTHING.....
The baby sleeps through the night, On occasions she will get up but 18/20 days she sleeps 8 hrs plus.
Tags: 4 months, 7 months, best bet, butt, discount medical, divorce, hou, housewife, little girl, medical transcriptionist, million dollars, Mortgage, part time job, psycho, robotics, Sleep, stay at home, stay at home mom
April 20th, 2011 at 6:33 pm
You are being demanding and she needs to step it up. But check the bitterness right now. You and your wife have a 4 month old. That is such a joy and a total ass kicker of an event. You have the perfect storm of events: newborn, new marriage on not so solid footing, undefined expectations, and – from your description – a wife who is depressed or who has profound self esteem problems (perhaps both). Depending upon the baby’s temperament, it may be 6-12 months after the baby is born that the baby doesn’t require constant holding and mom’s hormones have returned to normal when the home life starts to return to ‘normal.’ Let’s not forget post-partum depression. It sounds like your wife has that going on, albeit sounding pretty mild.
At one point, I had three kids – including a new born – in addition to two aging dogs that had incontinence and bowel control issues. It was AWFUL. My husband flipped out fairly routinely during that time and all it made me do was feel WORSE because I couldn’t do anything. It was the dilemma of where to start and what was the greatest need. What do you do in that situation? It’s paralyzing. Major hint here: raging about it will only make you look like an ass and make your child fear you later. (I only point this out as you come across as angry – though for good reason. Not splitting hairs with you about why you’re upset.)
I would encourage you to get some perspective – this is something you’re in for the long haul because you have a child. This will get better in time as the child grows. (It gets harder too but in a different sense.) I would encourage you to get your wife in to the doctor to be screened for PPD or depression of any sort. I would HIGHLY encourage you both into counseling stat. You need to define your roles and expectations of each other. You need that solid communication so you can speak and be listened to. It might be worth delving into the failure of your first marriage to look for lessons learned. You need to negotiate your needs (clean house, no stinky pissy room, dinner X nights per week) and then gracefully work with your wife to find common ground where both of you have your needs met.
This isn’t all about her but she’s the highest common denominator in all these issues. You have your own homework to address – like what kind of person do you want to be, what kind of father do you want to be, and what about that relationship with your wife? You may be contributing to some of this as well and you need to find that baggage so you can be present in your marriage and as a father. Maybe you’ll stay with wife #2 and maybe you just can’t.
My heart goes out to you because I’ve been there and know how hard it is.
April 20th, 2011 at 6:33 pm
yeah she should step it up.no doubt about it but you cant change the way she is unfortunately so..good luck!!
April 20th, 2011 at 6:33 pm
She is LAZY… no you’re not wrong. I don’t know what you can do short of letting her know you are serious. I would be livid.
April 20th, 2011 at 6:33 pm
You have a 4 month old, I am sure is still waking up at night right? Maybe she has postpartum depression. You should talk to her. Maybe she needs to know how upset you are. It is hard to look for a job when your baby is just 4 month old. You got to do what you got to do.
April 20th, 2011 at 6:33 pm
Give her 2 more months.
Took me 4 months to get a schedule established with child number 1.
6 months with child number 2 and we’re going on 8 months with child number 3 and still no routine locked in, although I am probably an exception because I am OCD. I do homeschool as well and that eats a big chunk of my time. But still I get a lot done around the house and with cooking.
If after you have given her a normal time frame to adjust and she is not becoming more helpful, I think you should encourage her to get back to being more productive, either work or work harder around the house. Try guilting her (it works for me) You work all day (she works too but 1 baby is a cake walk, trust me!) she should be taking care of the house and most of your needs.
Ps, Staying home and taking are of your children is really awesome. Good for you for providing that oppertunity to your family. It is a big responsibility to be a father and husband who brings in all the income.
April 20th, 2011 at 6:33 pm
If the baby is only 4 months old – it’s practically a newborn! Give her a few more months. She will probably start seeing things your way soon, if you don’t come across as a nag!
April 20th, 2011 at 6:33 pm
Taking care of a child is a job in itself! My husband and I are old fashioned so he is the one that has 2 jobs and goes to school. We don’t have any children so my only job is to clean the house and that works. Don’t be so hard on her. You should not be living in a dirty house but I’m sure she gets exhausted taking care of the baby. She may not clean everyday but I’m sure she does what she can and as far as the dog poop let her know if she won’t pick it up that you will have to get rid of the dog.
April 20th, 2011 at 6:33 pm
She sounds very lazy. She is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo very lucky to be able to stay at home with her child while you are out earning the money to support her. It is truly best for your child to be at home with the mother. However, she needs to get off her lazy butt and get the house clean. If the baby is sleeping 8 hours most nights then there is no excuse for her. I stayed home with my son until he was three. My house was always immaculate, my son was always dressed perfect, i cooked dinner every night, made my husband’s lunch, did the shopping, banking, you name it. I was so happy to be able to be there for my son. There was no question as to keeping a decent home. Your wife should have more respect for you and her child. I feel bad for you.