Sometimes I don't feel like I "fit" as a transman. Could I get some encouragement?
Discount Medical Scrubs
I'm a transguy, been in transition for over 6 years now. Still pre-op, but hoping to change that soon. I've just not put the chest surgery at the top of my priority list since I was lucky to be already very small in that area. I've been on testosterone though for over 5 years, name change legalized and done, and everything else. I even have the "M" on my license (don't ask how I did that without surgery).
Anyway, my problem, I guess, is that sometimes I don't feel like I "fit" in with the trans male community. I sometimes go on FtM bulletin boards and such, and I feel this overwhelming aura of hypermasculinity and machismo almost. That's really not me. Also, I hate to say this, but sometimes on these community forums and sites, there's a lot of flame wars, nitpicking over grammar, and other, what I would call "catty female behavior".
I'm not a super-macho kind of guy. If you were to compare me to anyone famous, I'd probably be more like J.D. from the show Scrubs. That "sensitive" guy that's a little dorky and awkward, but everyone finds "cute" and "adorable". I can't fix a car, I don't even really own tools, even my choice of college major isn't particularly masculine or labor-intensive (medical laboratory science). I'm a geek, a nerd, whatever you want to call me. I prefer to work smarter, not harder. I'm also small statured. I'm 5'0" and I wear clothes from the boys department. I'm not big, burly, intimidating, or protective looking. Most people think I'm either a little gay boy or a metrosexual (which may be more accurate?)
Does this mean I'm not really trans if I don't fit in with the general norms and mindset of most of the FtM community? In my mind and heart though I KNOW I'm male. My thoughts, behaviors, mannerisms, emotionality...are extremely different from a female, yet, also different than most bio males and other FtM's too. I just feel like I don't fit...anywhere.
Tags: 6 years, bulletin boards, chest surgery, community forums, discount medical scrubs, dorky, emotionality, female behavior, flame wars, hypermasculinity, little gay boy, macho kind, mannerisms, medical laboratory science, metrosexual, mindset, nerd, norms, own tools, quot
February 22nd, 2011 at 1:43 am
Idk what to say because I believe I fit in the the trans-female community just fine (Just not the Im-better-than-you-look-at-me-im-the-hottest-tranny-in-the-world)
But you’re being yourself… you’re not a transman, you’re yourself.
February 22nd, 2011 at 1:43 am
Don’t feel like you don’t fit in, because in reality not many fit in anyway. All men are different. You fit in the "you" category essentially. Don’t worry, it will get easier. There will always be people in your situation or have gone through something similar. Don’t sweat it. ^^
February 22nd, 2011 at 1:43 am
Like you, I don’t feel that I fit in with other people of binary genders. I, however, consider myself intergender/genderqueer. I’m not saying that you are too, but you should know that you don’t have to feel pressured to "pick a side" if doing so doesn’t feel right. Keep in mind that just because you don’t act exactly like other trans-men doesn’t mean that you aren’t one. You don’t have to conform to what other people expect. Just be you. Best of luck!
February 22nd, 2011 at 1:43 am
You shouldn’t worry what other FtM people think or say. Maybe you are just realising that like the rest of us you are unique. Even with genetic males, masculinity varies. I’m a genetic male and not muscle bound, or can fix a car.. so join the club.
February 22nd, 2011 at 1:43 am
Well, you’re transgendered. That alone pretty much kicks every gender related stereo-type to the curb. But I do see what you’re saying, and honestly, I’d say to just forget about trying to fit in. You’ve tried to fit in as ‘female’, and that only caused you pain, right? Trying to fit in as ‘male’ will do you no better. Maybe it’s time to throw this to the back burner and focus on you being you. I have gender problems. A lot of them. But I don’t go everyday saying, "Kevin needs to be Kristen" or "Kevin needs to bench 250". No. That gets me nowhere. Kevin needs to be Kevin, whether that means Kevin’s in a skirt or a tux. Not enough transgendered people realize this, and they go through life thinking that they have to be the epitome of masculinity of femininity.
Maybe instead of trying to fit in, it’s time to try simply being. If today, you wanna take a flower-arranging class, go for it. If you want to go the motocross show, that’s cool too.
February 22nd, 2011 at 1:43 am
In MY Experience, message boards are a poor place to look for healthy behavior, productive activity, and well adjusted individuals. I say this as someone who was "in pretty deep" to the internet lifestyle and has been transitioning out of it. Every month that I’m removed from it, I realize even more and more how dysfunctional and unhealthy this lifestyle was for me in particular, and imo, most of the "well known" posters on those boards.
Of course, not all boards are the same — and sometimes, for certain type of issues, boards may be the only resource you have.
My point being, in my shoes, I would not use the behavior of a web forum as a measuring stick for my own health. I would also suggest you try to take a few days off from your boards, at any rate, just to get a little distance and clarity. Even if you want to return to it, you will probably have a different attitude.
Regarding fitting in, I don’t know what to say. For most of my life, I have felt like an outlier in every community I have been a part of. For years, this was a huge issue for me, and I spent a lot of time and energy trying to reconcile this.
After some really good therapy semi-recently, I am now for the first time in my life, learning to embrace myself for who I actually am, instead of who I am not. I don’t even think about it any more like "this is who I am compared to these other people — here are the similarites, and here are the differences." I am learning not to compare myself at all — just embrace me for me. It has been very eye opening. I am discovering all kinds of ideas and talents I never even knew I had, and I am no spring chicken. I don’t know how to get you to shift this paradigm for yourself, however. It was very hard for me to imagine it, until one day it clicked in on its own. I would just really encourage you to be the best you that you can be. Celebrate what you like about yourself, embrace what you don’t like about yourself. And do it all from the perspective of YOUR opinion. Don’t say things like , I’m glad I can change oil because most guys can change oil. Do say things like, I’m glad I can change oil because it makes me feel competent, and I save a lot of money. Don’t say things like, I wish I were taller, because most guys are taller, and I would be treated differently. Do say things like I love myself, and that means I love my height, which incidentally gives me a neat perspective on things.
I don’t know about you, but right now I am GLAD to be different that most…because I feel like it gives me opportunities to achieve things that other people couldn’t even imagine.
Be kind to yourself.
February 22nd, 2011 at 1:43 am
I might have a slightly different experience then you because normally i don’t think transmen are hyper masculine acting. I tend to think transmen seem to be naturally masculine and naturally male but without that macho nonsense that cisgendered males have. I’ve only ever met two transmen who were hyper masculine and it seemed they only behaved that way due to insecurity.
Everything thats masculine about me is natural. I don’t feel the need to act manly and in fact i find macho and hyper masculine behaviours totally ridiculous. When any male acts macho around me i have to resist the urge to laugh.
But I relate to what you’re saying. There’s not just one way to be a man and sometimes i think people expect transsexuals to live up to some kind of weird gender expectation. That people think transsexuals have to follow some strict guidelines or something in order to live in a male/female role.
But transsexualism isn’t about conforming to a specific gender role or expectation, its about being who you really are.
You’re male because your gender identity is male and thats pretty much it. How manly you are as a man is irrelevant. There are plenty of feminine transman just the same as there are plenty of feminine cis men.
Being transsexual isn’t about gender roles and it isn’t even about being masculine/feminine. It’s simply about the brains gender not matching the bodies sex.
There’s no one true way to be a man. So just be you.
February 22nd, 2011 at 1:43 am
dude guys have tools and they are forever buying a new one for something or another , guys tinker with tehir cars its amale thing . one to be aguy you have to fit into their world more so than you think . i was just the opposite mtf and the world expects us to drop all trappings of the male world behind us . it has to be this way for people around us to feel comfortable with us fitting into our desired gender roles. giggless so hint here you have to stop carring your purse hon .