What do you think of my story so far: Part 8?
Discount Medical Scrubs
Ruby smiled at her and thought to herself, “If my mum ever made me wear that I’d seriously kill her,”
Danny looked good. His hair was spiked up with gel and he smelt of pepper mint. He was wearing a dark blue hooded jumper and black trousers. His Nike sand shoes looked brand new; they were black with an orange tick and shoelaces that were tucked in undone.
“Hey,” He said to Ruby as he hopped in after his sister. Kyle had taken over the front seat so he didn’t have to sit next to his annoying cousins.
“Hey,” Ruby replied, nervously trying to make a good impression.
“Nice jacket,” Danny said giving Ruby one of his to die for smiles.
Ruby thought for a moment she couldn’t exactly say nice everything, “Nice... Hair,” Ruby gasped as soon as she’d said it, how could she be so dumb ‘nice hair! “You’re so stupid Ruby!” She whispered under her breath.
“Thanks, pepper mint gel, glad you like it, little monster here always mocks me about my hair,” He giggled tickling Erin.
“Stop it!” Erin laughed pushing Danny’s hands away.
Danny pulled out his iPod touch and plugged his earphones into each ear. He looked over at Ruby. She was starring out the window at all the live stock out in the roadside paddocks.
“Hey Erin,” Kyle whispered “Swap?”
Erin frowned and shook her head.
“I’ll let you play on my laptop when we get home,” Eventually after a lot of persuading Erin finally agreed to swap seats with Danny, he’d lost 5 dollars and she had 1 hour on Danny’s laptop but she gave up in the end. He held out an earphone for Ruby. She smiled and put it into her ear. Grenade by Bruno Mars started playing.
“Oh my god, I love this song,” Ruby grinned looking at Danny.
Kyle spun around to see what all the fuss was about. He got a little jealous when he saw Danny and Ruby laughing and singing to Grenade, but soon got over it when he noticed Ruby smiled back at him.
* * * * *
Finally after half an hour in the car David pulled over to the side of the road. Ruby looked out the window and saw five cars all lined up in a row. David joined them. The rainforest was beautiful and lush. You could hear all the birds squawking and tweeting as you got out of the car.
“Welcome to Forest Hiking,” A short man said walking over to them “I’m Jake Oxford and I’ll be your tour guide today, firstly I’d just like to ask a few questions for medical reasons, now is anyone here allergic to anything?” After a few no’s replied Jake continued to the next question “Any asthmatics or people with heart conditions?” Again some no’s replied and Jake went on “Ok then, now can you young lady tell me what you would do if you lost the group?” Jake asked pointing to Erin
Erin shrugged shyly and hid behind David.
“Anyone?” Jake asked
Danny stepped forward “You would stay put, sooner or later someone would realise you were missing and they would go back the way they came,”
“Very good, you stay put, now what about if you get lost with a partner and your partner faints?”
“Depending on why they fainted, if it’s from a near drowning experience you perform CPR, if it’s heat stroke you perform D.R.A.B.C.D, etcetera,” Kyle answered. Ruby gently shoved him and smiled.
“I’d get lost with you any day,” She giggled.
“Well done sir, ok that’s all for now I’ll continue asking questions and telling you facts as we go, now if you’d all follow me please,” David, Kyle, Danny, Ruby and Erin followed Jake into the rainforest. They walked along a muddy track until they got to another group of people; they all had cameras and video cameras pointing everywhere.
“I’d appreciate it if everyone stayed behind me and with the group, this is a rare plant species only found in this rainforest,” Jake said as he pointed to a blue and gold bush. Violet started talking again and everyone turned to her. An Asian woman gasped and started taking photos.
“Come on this is so lame,” Danny whispered to Kyle and Ruby, walking into the scrub.
“Danny, no, it’s too dangerous Jake said to stay with the group,” Kyle Replied
“Yeah, sorry Danny, we’ve got to stay with everyone, if we get separated we could get lost,” Ruby added.
Danny shuffled though his bag and pulled out a map and a compass. “What happened to getting lost with me any day? Besides we won’t get lost with this, I spent nearly an hour researching this forest last night and finally got a downloadable map and I grabbed Dad’s good compass, so there’s no way we could get lost,”
Ruby and Kyle looked over at each other, Ruby was really surprised that Danny had gone to so much trouble just so they could run off, it seemed a little weird but Kyle finally gave in, “Whatever, you in Rubes?” He sighed
“Well, I guess so, anything would be better than this,” Ruby grabbed onto a tree and pulled herself over a massive log.
“Wait for me!” Erin whispered following Ruby.
“No, no, you have to stay her Erin, it’s too dangerous!” Danny said pushing Erin gently towards the group.
Part 9??? ![]()
Tags: bruno, cousins, dark blue, discount medical scrubs, earphone, earphones, front seat, grenade, hey ruby, hooded jumper, ipod touch, Laptop, little monster, live stock, nike, pepper mint, shoelaces, smiles, tick, trousers





April 18th, 2011 at 7:43 pm
M’kay, this was boring. You didn’t make an outline or write out a plot of any kind for this long story, you just sat down and started writing, and it shows. This story (this is 3rd part I’ve read) has no idea where it’s going or what it means, it’s just some writing. And that doesn’t make for entertaining reading, at least not to me.
If people tell you to ‘just write whatever you want’ or ‘just write because you love writing’ then fine. But if you’re just writing for yourself then follow through and keep it to yourself. Don’t expect people to sacrifice their time in reading something that offers no payoff but just goes on and on, you know?
April 18th, 2011 at 7:43 pm
I’d advise you to find a critique site or archive site for this. You’re unlikely to get anything useful from posting thousands of words here.
April 18th, 2011 at 7:43 pm
Mm…I like this one. http://foxbuy.info/318897/tour-guide